Threats and Yelling and Bribes, Oh My!

My four-year-old daughter has this problem (and it's so unique, I'm sure!) where she just won't listen to me. So, I yell. And she still doesn't listen. So, I bribe her with a lollipop. And when that doesn't work, I threaten her. But none of these shady parenting techniques seem to work. No surprise there, I guess.

Someone screaming at me wouldn't make me want to listen to them either. And bribes would just make me want to work the system to continue getting what I wanted with the least amount of effort involved. Threats? Well, unless they're carried out every single time, they really don't do any good and who wants to have to threaten their children to behave? What is that teaching them anyway?

Still, I'm embarrassed to admit, I'm at a loss. We've tried time-outs, Magic 1-2-3, being patient, taking away toys but nothing seems to work.

There must be a better way to parent, but how? What tried and true methods work for you when dealing with your smart, spirited children? Inquiring moms (including me, especially me) want to know.

Comments

[MamaChristy]

This is the age-old toughy in the parenting world. I'm of the camp that you warn, you remind of the warning and then you follow through with punishment. Every. Single. Time. Even when it stinks to do so and ends your fun, too. That said, I make a point to reward good behavior, which I think is different than bribing. We do a lot of "I expect you to behave in the store. If you do that, we can walk down the toy isle and look. We won't get anything, but if see something you think you might want, you can put it on your birthday/Christmas wish list." This works well for lots of situations. We've had problems at dinner time lately ("I'm starving!" five minutes later: "I'm not hungry, I want to keep playing!") and while it takes time for it to work, I have seen improvement by telling him how I expect him to act and what the "reward" is - whether that is that there is a cookie for desert or simply a meal where no one gets angry with him.

Good luck and let us know if you find something that works for you! We can ALL use something else in our parenting arsenal!

[Jerri Ann]

The first 3 weeks of 123 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan were the worst weeks of my life. Not even being in pre-term labor with 3 herniated disks in my back compared to the weeks following our implementation of the technique.

But just as he tells you in the book, you will will, you just have to be willing to endure hell to get there in some cases. We won, it turned our house around. Honestly, we thought we had a different kid....I say go directly by the book, no negotiating, no bargaining, no begging, just simple 1, 2, 3 go and never ever 1, come on now, 2, you don't want to go to time out do you 3, ok, there you go now it is time for you to go.

Don't do it, just 1, 2, 3, go and I promise you for 3 weeks, my kid spent his days in his room screaming his lungs out...but it was worth it.

Good luck

[Colleen]

Thanks, MamaChristy and Jerri Ann!

You've both inspired me. I think I will go back and give Magic 1-2-3 a try. I know many people who've found success with it. And, I'll bet you anything, my failure with it probably has a lot more to do with user error than I'd like to admit! :)